What er thou art, act well thy part

Today I had my first patient pass away. I have had patients die but that was when I was a CNA and not the nurse in charge. She had been sick for the past few days but she really started to decline fast today. Her whole family was all there crammed into her small two person room. They were teary eyed and talking in whispers. They had a forlorn look on their faces as if waiting for someone to tell them what to do next. That job fell on me. I couldn't help but have flashbacks of less than four months ago when I was in their shoes. The smells, the emotion, the thick thick air, was all so familiar. One of the night CNAs was telling me about all the things he has seen go on in those halls when someone is dying. Just a few days ago he watched a pizza box open by itself. I guess that was uncle Fred reminiscing about his favorite snack. "This place is full of activity when someone is dying" the night aid said. I know he was right because of what I experienced with Risa. Our house was full to the brim and the air was so so thick. After seeing so many sweet little old people seem to waste away in nursing homes, completely alone and forgotten, it is such a beautiful thought to imagine the many many people who are waiting excitedly to meet them on the other side. When my patient tonight was taking her last breaths I stepped out of the room to let the family have that time. Then I came in to feel for a pulse and all their eyes were on me. "Is she...?" I said yes but then just felt this wave come through me and said,"She's free." I felt the truth of that too and started to tear up. My patient's daughter and I had gotten close over the past few days of dealing with her mothers illness. After I had helped the family through all the procedural things and the body had been picked up, I told her that I could feel her mother's joy. As I said that to her I could feel that wave hit me again I could tell it hit her too. I don't know if they are christian or what their beliefs are but I know she felt the truth of what I said. Things were crazy busy tonight with all the other 25 patients having their own little emergencies so I was always running all over the place. But just before the family left, someone, I think it was the son-in-law, caught me for a few minutes and thanked me for everything. He said, "You have gained a lot of experience for how young you are and you have really impressed me. I think you have a gift." I was so flattered by that. My mom told me once that experience comes at a very high price.

I read this great talk titled What is Your Calling In Life? It's by Jeffery Thompson. It was one of those change your life talks that I will never forget. It talks about how we each have special gifts to help us to find and fulfill our calling in life. He says that there is no job too menial because no matter what your work is, it is an opportunity to spread Heavenly Fathers love to His children. Martin Luther taught that any job could be divine work. "If you grew up in a cobbler shop, your calling was to devote yourself to making shoes. And doing so, you participated in the work of God by covering the feet of His children. Luther believed that virtually any type of work could be a calling, so long as it rendered service to mankind." It reminded me of something Mother Teresa said about how if we can view our work as a means to serve Gods children then work will become fulfilling to us. If we can't do that, it will be a prison to us. In the talk he brings up the scripture where we are commanded to pray over our flocks and he points out that at work we may have "flocks" we should be praying over. I realized that I should be praying for my patients and CNAs and med aids. I need to love them like Heavenly Father loves them and be a source of light. I read a talk a long time ago which said that we, as Christians need to speak and live truth because what we say may be the only scripture a person ever hears in their entire life. It has just changed the whole way I view my job and it is so fulfilling. I've always wanted to be a powerful instrument in Heavenly Father's hands and I think I am starting to understand better how to do that.