Men and Poofy Hair

These past few months have caused me (more like forced me) to take a good long awkward look at myself. At first I thought I had something in my teeth but that wasn't it. A good friend visited this week from out of town. She and I are in about the same stage of life. We've been in the dating world for at least a decade now and have had *DTRs with guys to the point of nauseum. I've concluded that chick flicks ruin love. It's true! They lead young, susceptible and yes, stupid girls to confuse LOVE with EMOTION. While the two are not mutually exclusive, they are definitely NOT the same thing. I looked around me and saw lots of very miserable people who had gotten married based on this assumption. I now can't sit through a chick flick without feeling nauseous (Anne of Green Gables and Pride and Prejudice don't count as chick flicks). This realization has started me down a completely new and exciting path. One where love is not something that happens on a whim and is not about loss of control but about my very own choices. I love this quote by Queen Gwenevere in First Knight. She says, "Feelings change from day to day but my will holds me steady to my course through life." How wonderfully amazing! I am not a prisoner to my feelings as the media portrays! And the coolest part is, the more I am unselfish and sacrifice for someone else, the MORE my love grows. All the fear of getting hurt and self-consciousness just kind of melt away into selfless desire to make the other person happy. As the fat rich mouse lady in American Tail says, "FWEEEEEDOM!!!"

I recently saw a movie about the Willie Martin handcart company. It was full of amazing examples of love and sacrifice and self-control. When it was over and I was walking out, teary eyed, I saw a poster for a movie entitled This Is Love and it had a picture of a guy and girl bei

ng all moonstruck like any typical chick flick. I have no idea what the movie is about but it made me compare the kind of love I had just seen to the shallow, showy, emotional diarrhea that the media tries to pass off as love. Why is it that people are so hesitant to make daily sacrifices for each other for fear of being "taken advantage of", and yet casually sleeping around is becoming so common? Also, why does the girl in the c

hic flick always have to be so mean to the guy of interest in the beginning? There are two sure ways to spot who the love interests are in a movie.

1. The guy with the poofy hair will be the love interest.

2. The girl who is rude and too busy for love will be the one the guy falls for.

There will be a lazy yet funny friend thrown in there somewhere too, and maybe a dog.

So why the poofy hair? It says, "Run your fingers through THIS!" or possibly, "We can do our hair together in the mornings." I did once date a guy with better, and yes, longer hair than me. Was I jealous? Yes I was. But mine was still poofier. Did it cause me to feel insecure in my femininity? Nah... I still looked better in a dress. Not that he wore dresses. Anyway... I also dated a totally bald guy once and since that day my family has proceeded to point out every bald guy they see. "Hey Rachel, I bet you like him!" I don't know if it's some kind of psychological brainwashing but bald men have started to stand out to me more. Alright! It's out! I like bald guys. I think it is my subconscious way of rejecting chick flicks.

What er thou art, act well thy part

Today I had my first patient pass away. I have had patients die but that was when I was a CNA and not the nurse in charge. She had been sick for the past few days but she really started to decline fast today. Her whole family was all there crammed into her small two person room. They were teary eyed and talking in whispers. They had a forlorn look on their faces as if waiting for someone to tell them what to do next. That job fell on me. I couldn't help but have flashbacks of less than four months ago when I was in their shoes. The smells, the emotion, the thick thick air, was all so familiar. One of the night CNAs was telling me about all the things he has seen go on in those halls when someone is dying. Just a few days ago he watched a pizza box open by itself. I guess that was uncle Fred reminiscing about his favorite snack. "This place is full of activity when someone is dying" the night aid said. I know he was right because of what I experienced with Risa. Our house was full to the brim and the air was so so thick. After seeing so many sweet little old people seem to waste away in nursing homes, completely alone and forgotten, it is such a beautiful thought to imagine the many many people who are waiting excitedly to meet them on the other side. When my patient tonight was taking her last breaths I stepped out of the room to let the family have that time. Then I came in to feel for a pulse and all their eyes were on me. "Is she...?" I said yes but then just felt this wave come through me and said,"She's free." I felt the truth of that too and started to tear up. My patient's daughter and I had gotten close over the past few days of dealing with her mothers illness. After I had helped the family through all the procedural things and the body had been picked up, I told her that I could feel her mother's joy. As I said that to her I could feel that wave hit me again I could tell it hit her too. I don't know if they are christian or what their beliefs are but I know she felt the truth of what I said. Things were crazy busy tonight with all the other 25 patients having their own little emergencies so I was always running all over the place. But just before the family left, someone, I think it was the son-in-law, caught me for a few minutes and thanked me for everything. He said, "You have gained a lot of experience for how young you are and you have really impressed me. I think you have a gift." I was so flattered by that. My mom told me once that experience comes at a very high price.

I read this great talk titled What is Your Calling In Life? It's by Jeffery Thompson. It was one of those change your life talks that I will never forget. It talks about how we each have special gifts to help us to find and fulfill our calling in life. He says that there is no job too menial because no matter what your work is, it is an opportunity to spread Heavenly Fathers love to His children. Martin Luther taught that any job could be divine work. "If you grew up in a cobbler shop, your calling was to devote yourself to making shoes. And doing so, you participated in the work of God by covering the feet of His children. Luther believed that virtually any type of work could be a calling, so long as it rendered service to mankind." It reminded me of something Mother Teresa said about how if we can view our work as a means to serve Gods children then work will become fulfilling to us. If we can't do that, it will be a prison to us. In the talk he brings up the scripture where we are commanded to pray over our flocks and he points out that at work we may have "flocks" we should be praying over. I realized that I should be praying for my patients and CNAs and med aids. I need to love them like Heavenly Father loves them and be a source of light. I read a talk a long time ago which said that we, as Christians need to speak and live truth because what we say may be the only scripture a person ever hears in their entire life. It has just changed the whole way I view my job and it is so fulfilling. I've always wanted to be a powerful instrument in Heavenly Father's hands and I think I am starting to understand better how to do that.

Sacrifice is to love as peanut butter is to jelly

Tomorrow is my favorite holiday, right after Christmas and equal to Thanksgiving. Why do I love the Fourth of July? It's the warm summer weather, the picnics, the fireworks, the memories of running around barefoot with watermelon in hand. Plus I love this country! It's been a little frustrating this year to hear nothing but criticism on people's statuses and casual conversation. "You know, other countries think we are really stupid for not doing things the way the rest of the developed world does." Seriously, I don't care one iota what other countries think we should be doing. It was our desire to break away from what the rest of the world was doing in the beginning that started this country. Do I think America is the best country in the world? No. Do I think our way is the best way? No. I think we have a long way to go before we reach the ideal that the founding fathers principles suggest. And I think every American would agree with me when I say that I think we are heading in the wrong direction. However, I can't see the benefit in bitter criticism. Its easy to express to the world ones criticism and distaste for America while sitting in a comfortable home, typing away on a fancy computer during the glorious leisure time. It is easy to criticize something for which you have made no sacrifice.

I have this friend from Ireland with that beautifully poetic accent. I love to listen to her talk because I feel like I'm listening to a magical Irish tale about mermaids. When we first met I would express to her my love of Ireland and its rich history and how I would love to visit it some day. I was surprised by her lack of enthusiasm for her country. I just assumed that most everyone had a special place in their heart for their homeland. I listened as she told me about how a majority of the people there are going nowhere with their life and how many of them have drinking problems. She also talked about the poor upkeep of the roads and towns. "It is a depressing place to be and I have no love for my country." I thought it was sad that I held more appreciation for her country than she did. Just the day before we had had a conversation about how she thought Americans were crazy to not have their government take care of its people more. She said that in Ireland everything is paid for. After several conversations about the issue I was left with an image of a country where everyone was being paid to do nothing with their lives and so were left to drinking and depression. I know I probably don't have it exactly right but it seems to make sense to me. Since this time I have continued to meet people from other countries who seem to have no deep love for their country. At the same time, they also have a lot of criticism about America. Within the same conversation I have heard some telling me how foolish Americans are while at the same time expressing plans to try to gain citizenship here.

America (or any country) IS the heart of its people. To have a heart full of gratitude, even when there may be little to be grateful for, is the real "hope" and "change" we need to see in this country. That is what will invite the spirit of goodness, bravery, nobility and ultimately God, back into this country. And in the words of Francis Scott Key, it is"... that power that hath made and preserved us a nation." When I listen to the national anthem play it never fails to bring tears to my eyes. Not because I think America is perfect. But because I am humbled and overcome with gratitude for the staggering sacrifices that have been made by so many so that I could be planted in fertile soil and grow toward my full potential.

Happy Fourth of July!

Swingin' It

That evil NCLEX was nerve wracking because every answer choice they give you could be right in certain situations! So you have no idea how many you got right or wrong. I knew by the number of question I got that I either did really well or really badly because it didn't take very many questions for the computer to decide where my knowledge was. I had pretty much convinced myself that I'd failed when I got a letter in the mail. It said, "Congratulations! Something something blah blah!" I couldn't believe it! A surge of freakishness went through me and I ran around the house and up the stairs dancing around like a drunken sailor. I laughed at pretty much everything that happened for the rest of the day.

I had 3 job offers! Oh yeah! All that hard work really did have a purpose behind it! I think I subconsciously thought the homework and clinicals and lack of money and working for free aside from a real job and sitting in classes was going to last for the rest of my life. Now I have been working swing shift at Maryville Nursing Home for almost a month. I chose it because it is right down the street so I can ride my bike there. So far I love it! Money? What is money? What do I do with it? It keeps coming. Isn't it supposed to be going? I thought bank accounts got smaller and smaller not bigger. And I love to get out of work and have a nice relaxing night bike ride home to just unwind. Plus swing shift is the BEST! I mean, it's called SWING shift. How could it not be fun?

Yesterday I saved someone's life! Well, that's what I tell myself to make it sound more dramatic and exciting. I was at work and one of the CNAs came up to me and said that one of the residents was complaining of leg pain. I went in there and "Mary" (I'll call her) looked anxious and her face was all grimacing. I pulled the covers down and looked at her legs. They were both swollen but this was usual for her. But one leg seemed to be slightly more swollen than the other. I remembered learning that this could be a sign of a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) AKA a blood clot. I knew that if this was the case then it was very important not to move her leg too much or rub them because it could break the blood clot free and it could travel up to her lungs or her brain and could kill her. I remembered the test for DVT. You push their foot, causing it to flex. If this causes severe pain and this is only happening in one leg it's known as a positive Homan's sign and a sign of a DVT. I did this test and she cried out in pain. I told the CNAs not to get her up or move her until I let them know. I ran to get the RCM and she came with another more experienced nurse. They both looked at it and were not convinced that it was a DVT. They said, "Oh her legs are always swollen and she is always complaining of pain." I felt like such an overreacting new nurse fresh out of school making a big deal out of everything. Then they both clocked out and went home. They were right but something just seemed different and I couldn't ignore the thought. Plus the fact that she had the positive Homans sign. I continued to watch her throughout my shift and she was not getting any better. I don't know why but I just knew she had a DVT. I called her doctor and explained what I saw and that I just wasn't sure and wanted his advice. This is a doctor who everyone is afraid to call because they say he can be really mean. I was just praying he wouldn't yell at me. He surprised me when he said, "That's exactly right. You don't know. You never can know with these things. Sometimes the ones that look huge and red are nothing at all and the small ones you can hardly see are the deadly ones." He said it needed to be looked at as soon as possible. I scheduled for her to have an ultrasound first thing in the morning. Today when I walked in to work the RCM came to me and said, "You had some good intuition on Mary last night. She does have a DVT. You may have saved her life." Oh holy cow! Now I give her a Lovenox shot in her tummy every night to break up the clot and she can't get out of bed for a while. I always pray before work that Heavenly Father will protect my residents from my ignorance and I am SO thankful He is! I seriously can't believe how much responsibility they give to new nurses. It's both exciting and scary!

Other than work I don't have much of a social life anymore. I've found that I just have so many thoughts in my mind that I don't want to share or don't know how to so I just don't have a whole lot to say to people. I am so thankful for work to keep me busy and happy. I also go on long bike rides with my mom. I'm starting rowing classes soon so I can join the portland rowing team! They race up and down the Willamette. It looks like SO much fun!

That's all! Later gators!

Florence Nightingale, Pop tarts and Other Economical Issues

I was just reading Gary's blog and laughing at his cleverness when a faint memory of me writing a blog came to mind. After visiting my lonely and forlorn blog I realized I have written, not one, but THREE blog entries! How like me to read through something I wrote and not remember writing a single syllable. That must be why life is still so fresh and exciting to me! It;s because I can't remember a pickin' thing!

I have 3 more weeks of school. When I think about graduating I picture myself in a desert crawling on my stomach over a sandy hill, the sun beating down on me, sweat dripping into my eyes blurring my vision and stinging. My lips are cracked and dry and I feel like my stomach is eating itself. In the distance, and just almost out of view there is an ocean. Yup, that's what I picture. What could that possibly mean?

Once I graduate the next step is to take AND pass the NCLEX. It is the most intense test! I mean, I had to get fingerprinted and provide 3 references just to apply to take it. All through school I have had to learn 2 answers to every question. We learn what the real life answer is and then we learn what the answer on the NCLEX would be. This is because a whole bunch of health professionals sit in a room and imagine the perfect world. They then think up nursing questions for that perfect world. They do this because, like the rest of the health world, they don't want to get sued. Avoiding a lawsuit is the underlying motivation for EVERYTHING in healthcare. Sure you want the patient to be safe and not get hurt more, but not because you care. Oh no... It's because they might sue you if they live through whatever you have done or their family will sue you if they die.

Of course I've been around enough empathetic nurses to know that they are out there. My inspiration for going into this field was Florence Nightingale. Now she is an amazing woman! Not only was she just full of empathy and charity, but she also held a higher standard of care. She knew that more soldiers were dying from the conditions of the hospitals than were dying in battle. She changed the way the world views healthcare, microbiology, chemistry, epidemiology and especially the way they viewed nurses. The first time I heard about her I was about 10 and my grandma Whitaker brought a cartoon about her life. I connect so much with her empathy for the suffering. I feel that for every patient I work with. Sometimes I actually physically hurt in my chest for them. I want nothing more than to ease their suffering or, at least, brighten their day. People tell me that over time I will get calloused but I don't think that has to happen. I am convinced that without empathy, Nightingale never would have been able to make the kinds of changes she did.

Now why did I decide to write another blog when I am sure to forget it ever happened and after so long? It's a mystery. But there are lots of things I do that I don't understand. For instance, just now I ate two pop tarts. Why did I do this? Economically it makes no sense. Their marginal utility was lost about 4 boxes ago and their cost (getting fat and feeling sick) is too great. You see? A mystery...