This has indeed been a crazy year! After quitting my first nursing job to move across the country on a crazy whim, having two unsuccessful, dramatic and drastically different relationships, flying a guy, who was very wrong for me, into Portland for Christmas to meet my family, narrowly escaping a public proposal (to which I would have had to say no), breaking that off after heavy family intervention, moving back across the country to Idaho, dating one of my patients sons (big no no), witnessing the conversion of and getting engaged to that son, quitting my new nurse management job to move to Colorado where I had no job and no prospects to be closer to said patients son and now currently planning a wedding in less than two months, I sometimes feel that I need to explain myself to everyone. Then I realize, I can’t.
And why should I have to? I get tired of sitting around waiting for life to happen to me. Sure, I could have done the “responsible” thing and stayed in Oregon and stuck with my charge nurse job. Then I could be like all the other 40+ charge nurses who’d been working there for 20 years. But what would I stand to gain but 30 extra lbs, a few furrow wrinkles and a mentality that dreams are unreachable. I’d see my future stretching far into the distance, a very straight and steady line. I’d be at the mercy of chance, waiting, hoping that all the good things I wanted in my future would find me. I’d come home to an empty apartment, read a book, work on my current hobby and go to bed. That picture is so... anticlimactic... So empty... So void of people, growth, responsibility, relationships, learning to be one with someone, learning to live for someone other than myself, kids, teaching ABCs, sticky fingers, potty training, sacrifice, progress... And the longer I stayed put the more I could see exactly where things were heading.
After feeling frustrated, trapped, powerless and trying to keep my heart stuffed safely in my chest, where it didn’t fit I said to myself, “Why?” I’m not paralyzed. I’m not behind bars. I’m not inept. Everything I want is out there and nothing is holding me back from finding it but me. And why? Because I need to be responsible? I was a single woman, a licensed nurse with no pets or children relying on me. I could get a job anywhere! Yes, I could get my heart broken. Yes I could sometimes fail. But I have a resilient heart and I’d get over it. This is my life and its happening right now and I’ve only got one shot to make it what I want it to be. And I do have more control over that than I sometimes think. Of course I wouldn’t want to be reckless. But I think sometimes we confuse reckless with taking risks and you simply have to take risks in life.
This risk taking year has not been void of failure, heartbreak, frustration, extreme loneliness, doubts and second guessing myself. But considering what I’ve gained in this year, I think it was a pretty good bargain. Not only have I found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, the person I want to raise a family with and with whom I want to face whatever challenges life is aiming to throw at me. I’ve learned how to recognize when the spirit is screaming, “No!” and I’ve learned when I feel that way its best to drop everything and run. I’ve learned to recognize the peace that comes when I’m doing things right. I’ve turned my simple testimony, my hope that the gospel is true, to an unshakable knowledge. I’ve seen miracles. I’ve witnessed the Spirit working in people, including myself, to change or soften them. I’ve learned to trust that Spirit.
Even if the only thing I gained from all of this is that I never have to go on a first date again, I’d have done it all 10 times over! But along with that, being in a healthy relationship with a person I can thoroughly respect and admire and just absolutely adore, has made me happier than I thought possible. I tell JC that if we get any happier we might just die from heart explosion. I don’t think the physical heart is as big as the spiritual one because I swear there just isn’t enough room! I had resigned myself to the idea that I was just one of those people who would never find that person I thought walked on water. And I was going to be okay with just a functional relationship, at least.
I do live life a bit more abruptly than many would be comfortable with.The concern now is that JC and I have moved too fast and because of that, will have a rough road ahead of us. I don’t blame anyone for feeling this way. But I don’t think dating another 4 months is going to save us from many rough roads. (Maybe a few.)They can’t be avoided. Something I wish someone had told me when I was a little girl is that life rarely, almost never, turns out the way you imagine it will, that there is no magical recipe in life that can provide any kind of guarantees and that that is okay. What I feel, (and I may be an ignorant, foolish, stubborn girl) is that you just have to follow that voice inside your heart speaking peace or screaming, “No!”. And weigh that against your mind, your logic. And guess what. There are STILL no guarantees! But when I say for better or for worse, I don’t just mean for better. I’ve come up with the worse things I can imagine happening, the most difficult things I can think of to deal with, and I’m committed. What else is life for but to be lived? “A life lived in fear is a life half lived.” I have that inner peace, that green light. I’ve made my choice and I’m geared up and ready to get dirty. No looking back, no reservations.
